My name is James. James Del actually. I work at a place called Gawker Media, something I find myself explaining to my parents every time I see them. They'll get it one day. I don't believe in Twitter, but I do believe in Facebook and LinkedIn. There's a Myspace page out there too, but never mind that. Questions, concerns, and comments can be directed to James, At-Sign Gawker, Period Com.
You Know You’re A Long Islander When…
Not sure if you guys were even around for this shit, but when Facebook groups hit their nadir, there was a group for EVERYTHING. Including bad, Jeff Foxworthy-inspired jokes. I had one of those groups my freshman year of college that my roommate and I (both Long Islanders living in Rubin Hall at NYU) populated with the below. Most of it, sadly, does not make an ounce of sense anymore.
You Know You’re a Long Islander When…
You feel like you know Howard Stern.
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you never go there.
When you’re away from Long Island, you love it. When you’re there, you don’t.
You know that the beach sucks during the day and is the most magical place in the world at night.
You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
You’re still waiting for a bridge to Connecticut.
You’ve tried to use your father’s monthly ticket to ride the LIRR. It worked.
(LIRR = Long Island Rail Road to the unenlightened.)
You’d pay $8.75 for a movie.
No matter what you do, you end up at the diner.
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.
You’ve never really fully evaluated the meaning of the name Hicksville.
High school sports aren’t that important.
You know where the Commack Motor Inn is, but you “have never been there.”
You’ve never been to Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
You’ve tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
You’ve driven around endlessly and always manage to find your way home.
You complain about the increasing amount of malls, yet you shop at them all anyway.
Each one of your diverse friends mercilessly makes fun of his own background.
You love that salty smell of the ocean.
When someone says, “What are we doing tonight?”, you know you will be visiting the ATM at some point.
You know that the ocean makes everything a little better.
You are proud of where you come from when it comes down to it.
For the most part you’re inconsiderate and you think that people love you for it.
You can call yourself a Long Islander, but you have little interest in doing so. Then you leave and you are Mr. or Ms. Long Islander!
You have no interest in or knowledge of country music.
No! You don’t want mustard on that burger!
How many times can YOU use the word “like” in a sentence?
The most exciting day of your summer is when all tickets to every Jones Beach show go on sale.
You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number one game among children 7-13.
You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks, but periodically you “Get the crave”.
You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.
You’ve never taken an MTA bus.
You felt slighted when Snapple sold out.
You don’t associate Fire Island with gay men.
If you wanted to, you’ve met Bobby Nystrom.
You wanted Hooters to open simply to piss off “decency groups”.
You watched a game show and wondered, “Why are these people so happy that they won a trip to New York?”
You always remark, “Boy it would be cool to see Letterman.” You do nothing to achieve that goal.
You are successful in avoiding Regis and Kathy Lee.
You’re real cynical.
You like the Brother’s McMullen.
You’ve always thought Eddie Murphy was from Long Island but weren’t quite sure.
When you hear Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” you try to figure out what places on Long Island he’s talking about.
You know that parts of the Godfather were filmed on LI.
You’ve said stupid things like “Strong Island”.
You’ve paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.
You think religion doesn’t affect you much.
You miss wiffle ball and running through sprinklers.
You always liked Billy Joel, but as soon as you leave, you love Billy Joel.
You think that Jones Beach Theater is the best place to see a concert.
Billy Joel said it best, “Either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore.”
(For future reference, I am from the south shore.)
You don’t see the big deal about the Hamptons.
You think if you’re not from Long Island or NYC, you’re not really from New York.
You don’t go to “Manhattan”, you go to “The City”.
You never realize you have an accent until you leave.
At some point in your life, you’ve gone clamming.
You curse. A lot.
If your parents didn’t, your grandparents lived in the city.
At some point in your life, you or someone you know has gotten an animal that came from the North Shore Animal League.
