My name is James. James Del actually. I work at a place called Gawker Media, something I find myself explaining to my parents every time I see them. They'll get it one day. I don't believe in Twitter, but I do believe in Facebook and LinkedIn. There's a Myspace page out there too, but never mind that. Questions, concerns, and comments can be directed to James, At-Sign Gawker, Period Com.
Julia Allison’s Birthday
Fake Nick Denton, I don’t know who you are, but you are a LITERARY GENIUS. If you’re not employed by Gawker Media already, please present yourself to us immediately so we can shower you with love and affection.
If by some off chance you haven’t yet heard, Julia’s birthday is upon us. I’ve given much thought as to what would be an appropriate gift for this occasion, and after careful consideration I’d like to present her with a birthday extravaganza of sorts.
The regal centerpiece of this gifting is Scott Kidder’s cock. As previously noted, he’s hung like a prehistoric hoofed mammal, perfect for filling even the most well-worn cavity to the brim. I’ve granted him the day off, a Cialis tablet from my stash, and a key to my loft. He’s there now prepping his horse for a mounting as we speak.
I’ve also dispatched Richard Blakeley to video the occasion. Think of the pageviews, ahem, memories that this will produce for Julia! As Kidder zealously bludgeons Julia’s tainted honey pot with his freakish man-mallett, I want every contorted grimace and primordial shriek captured for posterity. Chances are great that while he’s filming Blakeley will remove his pants and begin to masturbate earnestly while reciting Hail Marys, but worry not, it’s perfectly harmless and won’t effect the quality of his filming. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence around the office.
Tracie “Slut Machine” Egan from Jezebel and Dashiell Bennett from Fleshbot will also be there to cheer on the fornicating parties and to coach them. They’ll also insert a vibrator into Julia’s ass at some point during the lovemaking, thereby giving us justification to cross-post the video on Jezebel and Fleshbot. In the same vein, Ray Wert of Jalopnik will be there with a tire iron, Will Leitch of Deadspin with a baseball bat, Ken Layne of Wonkette with a tightly rolled copy of the Emancipation Proclamation, and Brian Lam of Gizmodo with a pink iPod Nano.
Noah Robischon will be on hand in the event that fluffing is required. Gaby Darbyshire will be there with hot towels to tend to any messy fluid inundation that may occur. It’s possible that Andrew Krucoff will be down at the corner of Spring and Crosby squawking invectives from the street up to my loft.
So what are you waiting for Julia? Your present awaits!
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Fake Nick Denton,...don’t know who you are,...LITERARY...
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